Dreaming in Verbs

To be perfectly honest, when it comes to my professional progress I feel washed-up in just about every sense. I think it's more common than I realize, but I often feel like I am the only person in the world who has student loans and is paying them off serving people with less formal education than I have. I don't have a career. I haven't even started a career. I'm not advancing myself in any way towards starting a career. And, conversely I am doing a job that I would be way better at had I never gone to college.

I know that picking up and leaving the country is something that everyone can respect, even consider brave, but I also know that since I returned to my job as a restaurant hostess my family has been freaking out. They thought I would have gotten this out of my system but I, more than ever, have little to no idea where this is all going. I'm still not ready to choose a profession. I'm still not ready to start.

Because all I've ever wanted to be was a writer. Since graduation I've become jaded, and I've lost a lot of hope, and I've tried to sell myself on other futures. I only wrote two pages in my journal between July and January of this year. I closed up shop, creatively, and set my sights on my savings account.

There is no security in my dreams, and I've had to face the reality that it might not happen for me. That, more than anything, brought my writing to a grinding hault. For the first time in my life I had no answer for the question "why even bother?".

I found the reason here.

When your dreams consist of a verb, that's all it takes. Just do it. To be a writer, write. To be a painter, paint. To be a fire fighter, go out in the back yard, light something up, and put it out. That's fighting fires.

Even if there is only one person reading this, I am achieving my dreams. I used to consider this blog my dirty, nerdy, secret. I blushed anytime someone mentioned it like I was being recognized from an adult film or something. But now I'm saying thank you. Thank you to every person who has ever told me they read this, who has commented, or just tuned in namelessly. Thank you for letting me share my world view even though I may never know you in real life, and thank you for making me write.

Having faith means that even though you can't forsee how something can possibly work out, you still believe that it will. And somewhere inside, I do. Even if I am just an unknown person in sea of millions of push-button-publishers, who uses too many commas and starts sentences with prepositions, I'm writing. So I am a writer.
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10 comments:

  1. All I'm gonna say is - "a bird doesnt sing becuase it has an answer, it sings because it has a song." -maya angelou

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  2. oh, and I also have to say that you are one of my favorite writers, so please keep at it!

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  3. you're not just a writer, but a beautiful one! if it's something you love, don't ever give it up :)

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  4. Your writings inspire me daily! You write beautifully, and I look forward to reading your blog every time I turn on my computer! Thank you for always writing!

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  5. Sam,
    I never mentioned it because I didn't know if you would think it weird or not, but I've been reading your blog for awhile now, skimming it for the last couple years. Not sure if you remember me properly or not as we haven't seen each other since high school. I felt the need to say that you aren't alone in this where-am-I-what-am-I doing phase. So keep writing, it's lovely.
    -Monica

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  6. Sammy,

    I can see I'm going to have to come clean.

    Hi, my name is Kat, and I read 'unconventionally beautiful' every single day. I'm still eagerly anticipating the book you outlined on the fly while sitting at lunch at la paloma.

    Love yourself and your writing. Don't worry too much about your current job. There are a hell of a lot of us who will show up at midnight at Barns and Noble to buy your pending NYTimes best seller.

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  7. Sam -

    I know we're not super close, but every once in a while as I stumble across your facebook page thanks to my news feed, I click and read your blog.

    I just want you to know that this post really hit me. I too am feeling very lost with my current position in life. I have a "career" oriented job, however, I am continuously unhappy, and most definitely did not go to USD to lift and stack cases of liquor all day long.

    Anyway, thank you for this. It helped remind me to have some faith and that I am going somewhere in life, even if I don't really know where that somewhere is yet.

    ♥ Cecily

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  8. I'd like to put my hand up too and say ive been reading your blog every day for while - love your writing..and have saved it in my favourite links!
    The fact you've got this beautiful blog up and running, your inspirational outlook on life, and your collection of photos and quotes, is amazing.
    Dont give up - you definately have a talent that needs to be shared with the world.
    x

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  9. This blog entry really hit home for me. I can't tell you how much I understand, how much I too have felt just the same. I have wanted to be a writer since I wrote my first poem when I was nine years old. I went to college and got a degree in writing, but have yet to materialize that into anything resembling a career. After college I was so burnt out that I didn't write anything at all for months, and nothing of substance or length for a few years. My confidence was pretty much beaten right out of me in school and I suppose I'm still overcoming all of the filthy, little internal "talks" that go along with it.
    But I want you to know that when I read your posts I see not only a very technically apt writer, but an honest and lovely soul as well. You're absolutely right . . . because you write, you are a writer. And that's something that I need to tell myself too. :) Thanks for this . . . it gave me a needed bit of comfort for the day. :)

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  10. a year later... :)

    Thank you for writing! This post is honest and wonderful and just what I needed to read. I love the quote about when your dream consists of a verb..

    I love your writing :)

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Thank you so much for commenting, Darling Reader! I read + love each and every one of them. (Anonymous commenting has been turned off due to robots)

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