'So i had a revelation or whatever you call that shit today"Generally I am suprised to hear Sarah say this. This is kind of out of character for her, but especially today when she is green with hang-over after being at the Nine Inch Nails/Jane's Addiction concert last night.
"I just kinda realized that I don't really believe in 'the one.' Like there are so many people out there and we want so many things from people. I mean, one person might satisfy our want for knowledge and the other our want for adventure. Why would we ever think that was in just like one person?"
She taps her cigarette on the ash tray and looks up at me.
You see, as soon as you say something out loud you are taking the first step to committing to it. It's like those people who become members of a cult that believes a spaceship is coming to get them. They sell their house, and leave their families for an alleged aircraft following the tail of a comet. They tell everyone to wait for the day when 'beam me up' becomes something more than a phrase from star wars conventions. The more they talk about it, and act like its real, the more they become committed even.
All I had to say was "no" followed by
"No, we are just acculturated to believe in 'the one' due to our desire to maintain matrimony as an institution which ultimately derived from property laws and capitalism."
or "no, 'the one' is just a moral code to keep women chaiste and thus valuable to men"
or "no, 'the one' is a dillusion sold to us by hallmark"
or "no, 'the one' is for losers"
or even "no, i'm a polygamist."
This was my chance to say all or any of those things and rid myself of the stupid theory that I have believed in for far too long. A theory that has infact broken my heart beyond recognition, and made me briefly consider drinking a vonnegut'esq red-bull-and-drano cocktail.
but I didn't say "no."
Was it because as soon as I said "no" i would no longer be the emotional equivalent of a cult member, but rather just a lost robed person with no hopes, family, or car? I would have to admit that the entire motive of my adult life was something on the level of waco or the moonies, and wasn't a saving love but a saving lie. Was cognitive dissonance the only reason I was holding on to 'the one'?
Not a chance. I said "no" because as she was talking i got that feeling in the pit of my stomach. The one I get when I know someone is just wrong. I get it when people talk about things like denying gay rights, the war in Iraq as connected to 9/11, or why diet coke is eating a hole in my brain.
because I'm a girl who has entire file saved on her computer of engagement photos.
who bought two bedside lamps from peir one, just incase she has someone sleeping on the other side of her bed soon.
who is working on 100 tile art project for a person she hasn't even met yet.
who sings the lyrics from The Velvet Underground "I find it hard to believe that you don't know the beauty that you are, but if you don't let me be your eyes" and means them.
because I'm a girl who bought peony oil from a vodoo shop because the chineese believe it attracts love into your life. Who feels so happy when my friends fall in love that I find myself on a contact high from hotboxing their romance.
Because I'm the girl who drinks lovers-rose-tea because i think it's bound to bring around my 'someday'. And I don't even like tea for christ's sake.
Do I believe in the one?
I believe in the one like you believe in a missing puzzel peice after the other 99 are in place. It is outlined and rigid, has definite boarders and space. The only difference is it is defined in terms of negatives - in the hole it leaves in the whole. That piece exists. It's not even that hard to believe in becuase you can see where it belongs and feel where it belongs even if you can't see the piece itself. It might be under the couch, or under someone else right now. But that doesn't make it any less real.
Do I believe in the one?
of course I believe in the one. of course I do.
"Do you believe in 'the one'?"So this was my chance. All I had to say was "no."
You see, as soon as you say something out loud you are taking the first step to committing to it. It's like those people who become members of a cult that believes a spaceship is coming to get them. They sell their house, and leave their families for an alleged aircraft following the tail of a comet. They tell everyone to wait for the day when 'beam me up' becomes something more than a phrase from star wars conventions. The more they talk about it, and act like its real, the more they become committed even.
All I had to say was "no" followed by
"No, we are just acculturated to believe in 'the one' due to our desire to maintain matrimony as an institution which ultimately derived from property laws and capitalism."
or "no, 'the one' is just a moral code to keep women chaiste and thus valuable to men"
or "no, 'the one' is a dillusion sold to us by hallmark"
or "no, 'the one' is for losers"
or even "no, i'm a polygamist."
This was my chance to say all or any of those things and rid myself of the stupid theory that I have believed in for far too long. A theory that has infact broken my heart beyond recognition, and made me briefly consider drinking a vonnegut'esq red-bull-and-drano cocktail.
but I didn't say "no."
Was it because as soon as I said "no" i would no longer be the emotional equivalent of a cult member, but rather just a lost robed person with no hopes, family, or car? I would have to admit that the entire motive of my adult life was something on the level of waco or the moonies, and wasn't a saving love but a saving lie. Was cognitive dissonance the only reason I was holding on to 'the one'?
Not a chance. I said "no" because as she was talking i got that feeling in the pit of my stomach. The one I get when I know someone is just wrong. I get it when people talk about things like denying gay rights, the war in Iraq as connected to 9/11, or why diet coke is eating a hole in my brain.
because I'm a girl who has entire file saved on her computer of engagement photos.
who bought two bedside lamps from peir one, just incase she has someone sleeping on the other side of her bed soon.
who is working on 100 tile art project for a person she hasn't even met yet.
who sings the lyrics from The Velvet Underground "I find it hard to believe that you don't know the beauty that you are, but if you don't let me be your eyes" and means them.
because I'm a girl who bought peony oil from a vodoo shop because the chineese believe it attracts love into your life. Who feels so happy when my friends fall in love that I find myself on a contact high from hotboxing their romance.
Because I'm the girl who drinks lovers-rose-tea because i think it's bound to bring around my 'someday'. And I don't even like tea for christ's sake.
Do I believe in the one?
I believe in the one like you believe in a missing puzzel peice after the other 99 are in place. It is outlined and rigid, has definite boarders and space. The only difference is it is defined in terms of negatives - in the hole it leaves in the whole. That piece exists. It's not even that hard to believe in becuase you can see where it belongs and feel where it belongs even if you can't see the piece itself. It might be under the couch, or under someone else right now. But that doesn't make it any less real.
Do I believe in the one?
of course I believe in the one. of course I do.
this is such a beautiful and honest post. i appreciate it more than you know. i appreciate it because i constantly feel like i should say no to this question, because of most of those things (like matrimony as an institution and keeping women chaste.) however, i can't say no. I can't say no because i also do in my heart believe that there is 'the one.' my parents giggle like they just met and are 20 again, and they constantly tell me they know they are soul mates. few people in my life have told me from experience that i will meet that other half out in the universe and when i do, "i will just know." I have realized that not everyone finds this, but god, my heart, the universe tells me that it exists. hold on to that. i do.
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ReplyDeleteI definitely believe in the one. I am 99% confident that there is someone out there who will love me for how often I grow and change and who will want to grow with me. I am ready to love "the one" unconditionally. But I am not impatient. I will wait for that one and not settle just because I am so excited about it. I will find him.
ReplyDeletei believe in the one.
ReplyDeletei'm the girl who bought vegan soup just in case a certain someone ever decided to come to my house and turned out to be hungry.
and i'm the girl who puts on blinders once i have my mind set.
keep on keepin on.
and the girl who might "go edward bloom on his ass".
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