Without Assurance.


Timing. I always thought it was shorthand for growing apart - for not wanting something bad enough. I thought it was one of those things people say.

Because time is the gift of being young. It's limitless and with out consequence. The future is full of possibility. Time makes it okay to be young and poor, or young and aimless. Especially if you are young and in love.

But I've learned that time is also a tragedy. There is so much left to come and fate doesn't always work in pairs. Possibility is often like the last seat on a train. lucky. but alone.

I haven't been trying to be vague. I've been searching for assurance and clarity as I try to explain - to myself, to anyone - something I don't understand.
But sooner or later you will begin to wonder what happened to the boy in my pictures.

He moved away for school. He moved away from the little life we built together for the last two years here in Portland. And if you asked : did we break up? I wouldn't know what to tell you. Oh, if only it were always that simple.

 It's a confusion like I've never felt. Not the swirling words of competing reasons, but a blank page. I've had nothing to write by the light of burned bridges. Just the darkness that comes with not knowing.

It doesn't always end with a slamming door.
Sometimes it's as quiet as keys left on the counter.
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14 comments:

  1. This is a brave bold post. Honest. Beautifully written.

    My fav. line: "I've had nothing to write by the light of burned bridges. Just the darkness that comes with out knowing."

    You will be in my thoughts my dear.

    And thanks for posting this. It gives me strength to continually be honest and open about my own trial tribulations in my life.

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  2. I love you sam dog! There is a small, fat beagle baby waiting for you here, whenever you want to take her <3 A little puppy snuggling can do wonders for a hurting heart!

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  3. my heart is aching for you both. i vote that i need to see you much much more. especially in a less "cara is a politician" environment. love you, sam.

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  4. sam, my heart goes out to you. my relationship has seen me through many periods of uncertainty & gray areas & 'limbo,' so i know that what you must be feeling is not pleasant. i'm thinking of you!

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  5. "It's a confusion like I've never felt. Not the swirling words of competing reasons, but a blank page." So beautiful, wistful and raw.
    I say it a lot to my friends and I know that the fact that I'm married sometimes disqualifies my words, but truly : even if you don't know for sure where the road is leading for the two of you, whether you'll come together again sooner or later, I do believe that your journey won't be lonely forever. I hope you find some comfort in that. My thoughts are with you, dear Sam.

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  6. the last line of this post gave me goosebumps. the slow ending, the uncertainty, the subtleness of it all. This is a beautiful post. I wish you clarity and peace, and applaud you for being able to write this beautifully and honestly about your pain.

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  7. Sam, this is absolutely beautifully written. I can only imagine the confusion you're going through, but from what I think you've started to break through it. So much of what you've said echos some of what i'm going through right now. I haven't been able to eloquently touch on what i'm feeling as you have... but all my best to you.

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  8. This is gorgeous. A shame you had to write it, though. I'll be thinking of you!

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  9. All : simply (and at its most true) - thank you.

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  10. Es tan corto el amor, y es tan largo el olvido.

    your writing is beautiful.

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  11. Inspiring post, you write really well dear!

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  12. A beautifully written piece of gloom. Isn't that life though? Hearts out to you Sam!

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  13. i just stumbled on this post. this really got to me, you really nailed it!

    "There is so much left to come and fate doesn't always work in pairs. Possibility is often like the last seat on a train. lucky. but alone."

    chin up, girl. that blank page will fill with inspiration again, i promise. i know how you feel to some extent(i split from my fiance of eight years back in july and i can say, finally, that i'm so much happier.)

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