"Yah. of course."
"Like what kind of physical activities do you enjoy samantha?"
"Well, I run."
"Oh really well isn't that pleasant. Do you run for a long time, or just jog?"
"Well, when I feel sad or anxious I just put on my running shoes and run until I don't feel that way anymore."
"I see you are using some coping tactics, self management. Good. How long do you usually run for?"
"Until I stop feeling sad."
"How long is that usually?"
"7 or 8 miles."
"Uh. oh. um... well then do you feel better?"
"No. by then i don't feel much of anything."
I stared down at the tanned and brown legs working beneath me: strong, powerful, and long. A slight pudge near the line of my shorts showed, in physical form, just how long it had been since I felt the need to out run my problems. I didn't care. Today on the boardwalk I felt miles away from the deadness I sought when I used to hit the pavement. How could this have ever made me feel anything but alive? Running here I could feel my heart pounding; marking with my footfalls just how existent I was. My lungs burned, I felt my thighs tighten with lactic acid, and I considered how wonderful it was that I felt at all. A time that was once about me escaping my demons was now, more than anything, an exersize in self awareness. The most selfish kind of time; about my body, my betterment, and no one else but myself.
My feet quickened as the drum beat kicked in.
"and if you can't be with the one you love..."
I kept my chin up and my face forward. I ran past the streets that had once been intervals in this goast town that was my home.
The sun set and the boardwalk emptied; heavy feet and heavy breathing. Soon it was only me.
"love the one your with..."
I did love her. for the first time in what felt like forever, I did.
My feet quickened as the drum beat kicked in.
"and if you can't be with the one you love..."
I kept my chin up and my face forward. I ran past the streets that had once been intervals in this goast town that was my home.
The sun set and the boardwalk emptied; heavy feet and heavy breathing. Soon it was only me.
"love the one your with..."
I did love her. for the first time in what felt like forever, I did.
Now that the weather is starting to be warmer, brighter and motivational.. I've began to run. It helps. And if it helps, I say keep going!
ReplyDeleteIt's amazing what a rush it gives you. I run at the local track and the view is breath taking. It's up high on a hill and all I see are fields and fields of trees, birds flying and the blue sky full of opportunity!
Keep that head high and focus on what's ahead of you.
I don't think I can tell you enough how much I love you. God, Sam, love yourself, because that is the first step to being happy.
ReplyDeleteAlso, that song? Totally my ring tone. You are so beautiful.
Ahhh I love running.
ReplyDeleteCross Country was what helped me through my sophomore and junior years. I love you blog =]