burn bright.

Burning bright means finishing with a flourish. It means finishing even better than you began. You can give the last bit of yourself reluctantly, almost begrudgingly.  You do it because you need to. Or, you can give like you've been waiting for this moment. You can rush with open hands towards the relief of being empty It's going to be hard either way, but your given a choice for the "how" of it. You can either burn or you can burn bright. 

The tulips remind me of that, this time of year. As they finish, they're more fearless than in the beginning  It's a last burning moment before their season is done. Now, they're absolutely ablaze with ending. 

on expectations + exploration.

Unless you count mosquitos or deer bones, that little tiny antelope was the honest-to-god only piece of wildlife we saw in the backwoods of Yellowstone. I thought I was going to be on a walking safari, and there I was. Five days. Thirty-two miles. One animal. 

When it comes to big events, I imagine every detail in advance. Disappointment is bound to come from having expectations like that. Because true adventures are unpredictable. Otherwise, they wouldn't really be adventures.

I had a lot of expectations about what graduate school would be like (cough Wonder Boys cough). And, it's been a challenge to adapt to the realities. I've been thinking a lot about one of my favorite quotes from buddhist monk Pema Chödrön:

"The trick is to keep exploring and not bail out, even when we find out that something is not what we thought. That's what we're going to discover again and again and again. Nothing is what we thought."

She's right, isn't she? In Montana, I learned the most from moments that were strange and wonder-filled. Moments that were unlike anything I could have anticipated.  The trick was to keep exploring and let this place surprise me. Only then could I surprise myself. 

(photos) on 120 mm film with Diana F+ 

real talk | On Being Passionate (Even When You Aren't).

Here is a moment of complete honesty: it took me nearly the entire first semester of graduate school to feel passionately about being here. And that. was. terrifying. Because it was passion that inspired me to leave a job that I loved to go back to school and begin the career that I felt was my purpose. And each day, that passion felt farther away. I secretly feared that I had made a horrible mistake.

About a month in, my friend (and former co-worker) Logan texted me to ask how my classes were. It was after a long day of statistics and all the disappointment, uncertainty and downright boredom I'd been feeling came flooding out. 

His reply was the colossal piece of perspective I needed: "I guess the classes you're taking now are just the 101 type classes that were designed to thin the heard. They're tedious and boring so only those truly passionate about the subjects will stick around."

When I read that I thought to myself "I will not be thinned out! I am one of the truly passionate." This was my dream and I needed to start fighting against whatever it was keeping me from it.  So,  I wrote the following words in the front of my day-planner ...

How would a person with passion live this day?

The next morning, I had a dense reading to do for my Quantitative Analysis class and I was faced with the question from the night before. Does calculating statistical variance make my heart sing? No. But, what would I do if I did feel that way? I'd wake up at 6:30 and do the reading. So, I did. I started to live each day like a person with passion who wouldn't be thinned from the heard - regardless of feeling only the slightest inklings of interest.

To my surprise something kind of amazing happened. I actually started to feel passionately! Not necessarily about statistics as a whole, but about the act of working itself. That was motivation enough to carry my through the first 15 pages. Enough to bring me to a passage that was relevant to my research or to the world - to something I truly found interesting.

Recently I read a review with E.M Forest in the Paris Review. And they asked him ...

INTERVIEWER

Do you write every day, or only under inspiration?

FORSTER

The latter. But the act of writing inspires me.

With writing - as with so many things - our inclination is to wait for inspiration. I want the muses to sing, and for my work to be done with a flourish. But, the reality of hard work isn't like that.

When I feel discouraged and disinterested, I remind myself to act passionately, whether or not I feel passionately. Because I am passionate about living my dream. And this is what it looks like.

(photo) iPhone | sunday study sesh

worth noting.

When the sun broke through the clouds on my last day at home, my Dad and I took a practice-walk down the street that I grew up on. He had his hip replaced at the end of December. The pace was steady but marked with stops - mostly to talk to the neighbors. One showed us a Steelhead he caught from the river bank. Another was unloading a truck-bed stacked with wood, cut from the blow-downs on the coastal highway.  These were relationships built on twenty years worth of Saturdays - taking down christmas lights or laying mulch on the flower beds, depending on the season.

 Towards the end of our walk, the clouds rolled in. I commented on the cold and My Dad responded:  "Oh, I like it when the air's like this. If I breathe in until it almost hurts ..." he drew in deeply to demonstrate "it makes me feel like I could levitate."

There was an orange tabby cat sitting in an overturned patio table. There was a hedge of early camellias. Coins of rain clung to the waxy leaves and collected where the petals gathered. 

And there's really no reason for me to be telling you these things, other than that they happened. But god, I'm so glad for this New Year. For a line to mark "then" and "now".  I'm so glad to be on the side that's beginning. To be possible, again.

(photo) iPhone | camellias, winter's roses. 

origins.

After my trip to Stone Barns, I have deeper appreciation for the things we eat. And, for those who make them grow.  Every time I hold a sungold tomato I think of the staggering amount of care that went into getting that tiny, perfectly round orange ball into my hand, completely whole. Planting, watering (but not over watering), watching for blight, and gently picking.

It's gratitude in the most basic sense - an appreciation of the work and thought and luck required to get here. Thanksgiving Day is a table full of that feeling.

(photos) on film with Pentax K1000 | also, a second scene (essay) on farm beginnings and endings.
(more farms) lavender | dahlias + raspberries | pear orchards

advice on ending.

It was Longfellow that said "great is the art of beginning, but greater is the art of ending". And, he was right. Endings are hard to navigate. There's the question of when and why, and the question of how. It's easy to burn bridges and go out in flames, but ending with grace? that's complicated.

Whenever I come to a place that looks like the "beginning of the end" the first person I call is my Dad. He gives the best advice for situations when my emotions run high, and my rationality runs low. 

Here are a few of the things he's told me over the years about ending:

when

You can leave any time you feel it is in your best interest. But, learning to apologize even when you feel there is no reason [other than someone expects it] is part of the team mentality.

why

Don't use a single incident as an excuse to leave. That is called quitting. And you have never been a quitter. If you feel that you can no longer give what is expected of you, and that is your reason for leaving, that is called resigning. 

how

If you choose to resign, do it in an unemotional, professional fashion and you will feel much better about it down the road.

I think my favorite is the last one, and I remind myself of it often. Despite how good it feels at first to act out in anger or spite, it's the times I've spoken with reserve that make me feel the best, looking back. 

Has anyone ever given you advice on ending? 

I'd love to hear it. 

(p.s) more advice from my dad : on soul mates, on spray paint safety, on self respect.
(photos) on film with minolta srt-201 - which I found at The Goodwill in Montana, the day before this was taken.

weekend reading:

h e r e ' s  t o  h a p p i n e s s

• Feeling good. Feeling 80's pop-song, choreographed dance, animated bird, personal parade good. 
• I've watched this TED talk on positive psychology at least five times in the last two days :

"One of the very first things we teach people in economics, and business and statistics and psychology courses is how - in a statistically valid way - do we eliminate the weirdos. How do we eliminate the outliers? Which is fantastic If I'm trying to find the ... average.
But if I'm interest in potential. If I'm interested in your potential for happiness or productivity or energy or creativity, what we're doing is creating the cult of the average with science.
If we study what's merely average we will remain merely average." Shawn Achor 

• Hysteric by the Yeah Yeah Yeahs sounds like every happy feeling I've ever had. 
• "Find someone that makes you want to smile and puke at the same time" - Ryan O'Connell on Thought Catalog's How to Love Somebody. 
• a mug featuring a favorite line from Pride and Prejudice: how shall I bear so much happiness
• Rick Hanson, PhD says that focusing on the positive can actually change how we think  

"There's an expression in neuroscience: neurons that fire together wire together. This means that new patterns of thought can actually change the physiology of our brains" Oprah Magazine, Learning How to Lighten Up 

• being happy with who you are (weirdness and all) perfectly captured by Jade Harris.

(photo) on 800 kodak portra film with pentax k1000.  

A Thankful Thought

I am thankful for hot water.

For tea, for steamed artichokes, and boiled rice.   

I am thankful for laundry day and simple luxury. For the smell of fresh linen and folded shirts and clean cotton pillowcases against my cheek.

I am thankful that there is an end to everything.  Even on the worst days there are lavender bubbles, a cold beer to balance on the bathtub's edge and books with wet rippled pages. I'm thankful that all things must pass. And nothing is so bad that it can't be soaked out. 

I am thankful that the day, each day, begins again. And yesterday's misteps and disappointments will run off my body and swirl down the drain. With each morning there is a new song to be sung. That the soft pounding sound of water drowns out doubt, and that inspiration always seems to strike in the shower. 

I am thankful for shared happiness. For Van Morrison mornings. For yellow teakettles and coffee grounds, and egg-in-a-hole with my sister while the french press steeps.

I am thankful.

[ (1 and 2) my neighborhood laundromat on expired 2008 film (p.s.) expired party decorating | expired roses | expired rooftop]

For the Guys in their Garage

My dad is an inventor. Kind of like Belle's dad in Beauty and the Beast but more stoic. He's built things his entire life, but when he was laid-off in 2009 when the housing market collapsed he started inventing in his shop full time.

 Men tend to define themselves by their professions. When my Dad meets people it's not uncommon for their first question to be "what do you do?" This is where my sister and I usually begin to roll our eyes. You sir, have no idea what you just got into.

After he explains his project - which is technically impossible according to the laws of physics - there comes a question and answer portion. I have most of my Dad's answers memorized.

A few months ago someone asked him a question that stopped me. I'd never heard this one before, and to be honest, I myself had wondered the same thing.

"what makes you think you can figure this out? If it was possible don't you think some big company would have this on lock down?"

My dad replied

"You know, I heard an interview with Bill Gates the other day. He said he wasn't worried about what some other company is coming up with.  He said his real competition is a guy out in his garage somewhere."

Steve Jobs was one of those garage guys. Just like my Dad. Just like anyone who works at something quietly, with no pay or security, only the stirring in their heart. 

 

He knew the power of believing in a dream and going after it.

These things shall never die.

(photo) by my dad - the moon over his garage workspace. On film with the pentax k1000 - he's the original owner of that camera. (p.s) The interview referenced was by Charlie Rose with Ken Aluetta, writer of the book Googled. The quote from Bill Gates dates to 1998 - a year after Apple launched their Think Different campaign. You can read the exact quote here

Mary Oliver | On Writing the Good

"I don't usually mess around with what makes me unhappy when I'm writing. I want to write poems that will comfort, maybe amuse, enliven other people. I don't mean that the world is all great and wonderful. But I'm careful to - I try to keep the emphasis on the good and hopeful"

O Magazine

--
* Sometimes I struggle with the work I do. I rarely give a face to my shadows, and instead focus here on the little moments of clarity. Oliver puts it so perfectly; about the intention we both have when writing.

(photo) double exposure, with Diana on 120mm. (quote) O Magazine. April 2010 'The Poetry Issue'. Just maybe my favorite issue ever!

For Those Who Keep Trying

“to love life, to love it even
when you have no stomach for it
and everything you've held dear
crumbles like burnt paper in your hands,
your throat filled with the silt of it.
When grief sits with you, its tropical heat
thickening the air, heavy as water more fit for gills than lungs;
when grief weights you like your own flesh
only more of it, an obesity of grief,
you think, How can a body withstand this?
Then you hold life like a face
between your palms, a plain face,
no charming smile, no violet eyes,
and you say, yes, I will take you
I will love you, again.”

Ellen Bass

I paired these because the line 'crumples like burnt paper' reminded me of the skin on the garlic. (1) Not the first time I've been late to work trying to capture the afternoon light on the windowsill (poem) via my friend michelle at since feeling is first. She finds the best poems (p.s.) an andy warhol artifact for the resilient ones

A Thought for Friday

Tacked to a telephone pole on N. Mississippi ave

"This feeling, oh Lord.
This feeling, it's amazing.
It's in the stars, in the sun.
It's everywhere, in everyone"

A little reminder that happiness can be found in everything around us, and in ourselves.

H a p p y F r i d a y !

(p.s.) another lovely thought posted in the neighborhood

Nicole Krauss | On Doubt

"That's really the only place we're given to make a life, in the shadow of uncertainty."

Nicole Krauss, at the reading for Great House at Powell's bookstore in Portland.

Incase You Needed A Little Encouragement

You're going to make it after all. {toss hat now}

 

"In the opening to the Mary Tyler Moore Show Mary's in the supermarket, hurrying through the aisles. She pauses at the meat case, picks up a steak and checks the price. Then rolls her eyes, shrugs and tosses it in the cart. That's kind of how I feel. Sure I would have liked things to be different. But, 'roll of eyes' what can you do? 'shrug' I threw the meat in my cart and moved on." Augusten Bourroughs, Running With Scissors.

Coffee Talk : Doing This Pro-Bono

Today, at the coffee shop where I work someone told me:

"Find something you would do for free. Do it early, and do it often. That's how to follow your dreams"

As artists, most of us don't get to spend the day doing what we love. Instead we do something that will help us make enough money to pay rent and buy easy-mac. Then at night, in a small studio apartment with a stomach full of powdered cheese sauce, we sit down to do what we really love. Off the clock.

And it's that thing, that fills our free-time {emphasis on free} that will lead us to our dreams. Because there is no reason, no paycheck, to make us do it. Just hope, and the feeling of purpose that says this is what I'm meant to do.

p.s. if you need a little extra encouragement, there is always thinking of yourself in movie montage mode.

Happy Earth Day!

"With all that anxiety you get yourself worked up over the small stuff. Sometimes you just have to stop and feel yourself spinning on a ball that is floating through space." - my dad

This is a photograph from the Voyager1 mission titled Pale Blue Dot. You can see earth in the orangish band closest to the right.
It makes you realize that even an entire planet full of worries is tiny compared to the vastness of the universe, doesn't it?

Movie Montage Motivation

There are days when we all feel like we are making big sacrifices for our dreams, but they still don't seem to be getting any closer to reality.

Days when you work two jobs, and have to ride the bus, and you get Chinese food for dinner, and you overdraft your bank account, and it's only, you've got to be kidding me, monday.

And you just want to give up.

I had a day like that day. {that second sentence may be a bit autobiographical}

And I did want to give up.

But as I was sitting in the bath trying to soak my feet and sweat out the m.s.g I remembered a little piece of advice I once gave my sister when she was in summer school.

This is the movie montage part of life!

Sometimes in life you're going to be Elle Woods studying for the LSat.

or Baby doing lifts with Patrick Swayze at dance practice.

or Rocky Balboa pulling a dog sled in the snow.

But we all know what happens for them in the end. They make it happen. And if you can just remember that, and see yourself working in 30 second clips with a motivational song played over it you can get through to the climactic victory scene too.

and incase you are going through a time like this yourself

here is a little extra motivation.


*apologies to all the feminists out there on the hypermasculinity in this

My Dad | On Self Respect

"You are the one who teaches people how to treat you. If you don't like it, then stop letting them do it. Or stop letting it bother you, and rather let it roll off you like water off a ducks back. But the second you start to complain about it, start to say 'oh boo hoo me' is when you become a victim. And treating yourself like a victim is the quickest way to show people how to make you one."
my dad

 

{see more advice from him HERE and HERE}

Free from the Internal Critic

I wanted to share this message from my friend Fernanda with anyone reading this who is chasing their dreams

Committing to your writing will "free you from the tyranny of your internal critic, from the fear that likes to dress itself up and parade around as rational hesitation." Committing to your writing is to remove your head as the barrier to your life.

Isn't that wonderful? You can replace the word "writing" with anything you want to do. Just make yourself a promise to do it.

Don't Believe the Hype

(images) Terry Richardson

"Never read what people write about you. Just measure it in inches" Andy Warhol